She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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