last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
