also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
