My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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