apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
