your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
