I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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