So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The beer is more important than you right now.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
