Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
