I wanna passion pit in your ass
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
