I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
