Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
