guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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