I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
