I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
