"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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