"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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