I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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