Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
