oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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