i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
