whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
