The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
