He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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