is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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