I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
