Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
