Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
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