I wish I could punch you in the face.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
