I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
so let's talk penis.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
