I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and she was petting her beer can
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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