That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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