I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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