this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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