i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
