i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
