I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize