It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
