i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
