His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
