So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
