the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
