He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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