I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
