your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
