Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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