Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
