Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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