the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
