Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
