You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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