i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
