i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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