census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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