8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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