i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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