I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
