from now on my penis is your penis
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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