just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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