how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You left your phone here
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